Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg is a communication approach that helps people express their feelings and needs without aggression and conflict, fostering better understanding and empathy between conversation participants. The main goal of NVC is to reduce violence in our lives, help build deeper and more meaningful relationships, and promote greater harmony in communication.

Four Components of Nonviolent Communication

Observation: Clearly observe the situation without making evaluations or judgments. This helps avoid misunderstandings and conflicts. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” you can say “The last two times I started speaking, you were looking at your phone.”

Feelings: It is important to express your feelings related to the situation. This helps the other person understand how their actions affect you. For example, “I feel frustrated and sad when I am not listened to.”

Needs:  Identify and express the needs underlying these feelings. Understanding your needs helps you find ways to meet them. For example, “It is important for me to feel that I am being heard and respected.”

Request: Make a specific request that might meet your needs. The request should be clear, positive, and achievable. For example, “Could you put your phone away when we are talking?”

Key Principles of NVC

– Empathy: Understanding and perceiving the feelings and needs of others without judgment. This involves listening attentively and understanding what the other person feels and needs.

– Honesty: Openly expressing your own feelings and needs without hiding or manipulating. This involves authenticity and sincerity in communication.

– Responsibility: Recognizing that each person is responsible for their own feelings and actions. NVC encourages taking responsibility for your own reactions and expressions.

Benefits of Nonviolent Communication

– Improved Relationships:  Encourages the creation of deeper, more authentic, and respectful relationships.

– Reduced Conflicts: Helps to avoid or resolve conflicts more effectively by focusing on understanding and meeting everyone’s needs.

– Emotional Literacy Development: Promotes better understanding and expression of one’s own feelings and needs.

– Increased Self-Awareness: Helps to gain a deeper understanding of one’s own feelings, needs, and values.

Thus, NVC is a powerful tool for building healthy, harmonious, and effective relationships based on respect, empathy, and honesty.

Examples of Nonviolent Communication

In  Romantic Relationships: 

Dividing Household Responsibilities

   – Situation: One partner feels they are doing most of the household chores.

   – Observation: “When I notice that I am washing the dishes and cleaning most days…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important to me to feel that our responsibilities are evenly shared.”

   – Request: “Could you take on some of the chores, like washing dishes every other day?”

Spending Time Together

   – Situation: One partner wants to spend more time together, but the other is often busy with work.

   – Observation: “I notice that we have been spending less time together lately…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel sad and lonely…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to have quality time together to maintain our connection.”

   – Request: “Can we schedule at least one evening a week just for us, without work or other obligations?”

Responding to Messages

   – Situation: One partner is upset because the other rarely replies to messages throughout the day.

   – Observation: “When you don’t reply to my messages for several hours…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel anxious and uncertain…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important to me to know we are in touch even when we are busy.”

   – Request: “Could you reply to my messages during the day, even if it’s just a brief message, so I know you’re okay?”

With Friends

 Canceling Plans

   – Situation: A friend cancels plans at the last minute.

   – Observation: “When you cancel our plans at the last minute…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel disappointed and frustrated…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important to me to feel reliability and confidence in our plans.”

   – Request: “Could you let me know in advance if you can’t make it so I can make other plans?”

Borrowing Items

   – Situation: A friend returns borrowed items in poor condition.

   – Observation: “When I get my book back with damaged pages…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel upset and anxious…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important to me that my belongings are treated with respect and kept in good condition.”

   – Request: “Could you take care of my things as you do with your own when you borrow them?”

 Unwillingness to Listen

   – Situation: A friend is not listening when you share your concerns.

   – Observation: “When I notice you getting distracted when I talk about my problems…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel unheard and lonely…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to feel supported and attended to when sharing my thoughts.”

   – Request: “Could you pay more attention when I talk about something important to me?”

In Parent-Child Relationships

 Returning Home Late

   – Situation: The child comes home late without informing.

   – Observation: “When you come home later than agreed without notifying…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel worried and irritated…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to know that you are safe.”

   – Request: “Could you let me know in advance if you plan to be late?”

Completing Chores

   – Situation: The child is not completing their chores.

   – Observation: “When I see that your chores are not done…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel frustrated and tired…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for us to share responsibilities and take care of our home together.”

   – Request: “Could you complete your chores on time so I can rely on your help?”

Choosing Friends

   – Situation: Parents are concerned about the child’s choice of friends.

   – Observation: “When I see you spending time with friends who might have a negative influence…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel worried and uncertain…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me that you are in a safe and supportive environment.”

   – Request: “Could we talk about your friends and how they affect you?”

In Workplace Relationships

Heavy Workload

   – Situation: A colleague regularly asks for help, increasing your workload.

   – Observation: “When you ask me to help with your tasks several times a week…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel tired and overwhelmed…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to have enough time to complete my own tasks effectively.”

   – Request: “Can we discuss how to better distribute the work so I have more time for my own tasks?”

Lack of Feedback

   – Situation: A colleague does not provide feedback on a joint project.

   – Observation: “When I don’t get feedback on the project we’re working on…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel uncertain and frustrated…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to have clarity and understand if we are on the right track.”

   – Request: “Could you share your thoughts and suggestions on the project so we can collaborate more effectively?”

Disrespecting Personal Space

   – Situation: A colleague frequently interrupts you during work by entering your office without warning.

   – Observation: “When you enter my office without warning while I’m busy…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel irritated and disrespected…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to have uninterrupted time to focus on my tasks.”

   – Request: “Could you please give me advance notice or ask if I can spare some time when you need to discuss something?”

In Relationships Between Adult Children and Parents

Need for Personal Space

   – Situation: Parents frequently call their adult child without warning and expect an immediate response.

   – Observation: “When you call me several times a day without notice…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel overwhelmed and somewhat restricted…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to have my own time and space for my activities.”

   – Request: “Could you please send a message before calling so we can arrange a convenient time to talk?”

Disagreement with Career Choice

   – Situation: Parents express dissatisfaction with their adult child’s career choice.

   – Observation: “When you say that you disagree with my career choice…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel unsupported and disappointed…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to receive support and acknowledgment of my decisions, especially in significant areas.”

   – Request: “Could you express your thoughts in a way that shows support, even if we have different views?”

Personal Boundaries Regarding Visits

   – Situation: Parents visit their adult child without notice or invitation.

   – Observation: “When you come over without notice or an invitation…”

   – Feelings: “…I feel a bit uncomfortable and intruded upon…”

   – Needs: “…because it is important for me to control my own time and space to better plan my day.”

   – Request: “Could you please let me know in advance when you plan to visit so we can arrange a convenient time?”

These examples illustrate how Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can be used to set healthy boundaries and express needs while maintaining respect and kindness in relationships between adult children and their parents.

Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is a powerful tool for improving interactions between people. With its four key components—observation, expression of feelings, identification of needs, and specific requests—NVC promotes constructive conflict resolution and the development of deeper and more respectful relationships. The core principles of NVC, such as empathy, honesty, and responsibility, help create harmonious communication based on mutual understanding and support. Applying NVC in various aspects of life, from relationships with partners and friends to workplace situations and parent-child dynamics, demonstrates its versatility and effectiveness in reducing conflicts and enhancing understanding. By implementing NVC, we can build healthier and more satisfying relationships where everyone feels respected and supported.